Today is the 18th September 2010 . This song shall forever be in my life . Because it's a song so memorable even when i'm drunk, it appears in my head .

The city feels clean this time of night

Just empty streets

And me walking home

To clear my head

I know it came as no surprise

I'm affected more than I had guessed on what was said

If this love's not meant to be

If the heart's not ready to open

If we make it I won't see it's broken

If this love's not meant to be

If the heart's not ready to open

If we make it I won't see how it's broken

It's the quiet time before the dawn

And I'm half past making sense of it

Was I wrong?

Should I claim to give it all

In a world where not much ever seems to last long

If this love's not meant to be

If the heart's not ready to open

If we make it I won't see it's broken

If this love's not meant to be

If the heart's not ready to open

If we make it I won't see how it's broken

How it's broken

If this love's not meant to be

If the heart's not ready to open

If we make it I won't see it's broken

If this love's not meant to be

If the heart's not ready to open

If we make it I won't see it's broken

If this love's not meant to be

If the heart's not ready to open

If we make it I won't see how it's broken

How it's broken

How it's broken

How it's broken...

Today is the 6th September 2010 . My first exam is over now and i feel so shag, it's not like i've been studying all night all week . In fact, i slept 8 hours last night . But it's the last paper tomorrow anyway .

I finally knew what it was, what was causing most of the problems . So right now, it's up to you to accommodate . I don't wanna force, because forcing doesn't result in a win-win situation . But my ''mental'' issues is making me go so insane i said something i shouldn't have said .

My past has forced printed a tattoo on my impression of men, i may not, or will not ever trust men again . I'm still working on it . They're just other human who is physically stronger than women .

That's why i get so worked up . . . when other women touch you, be it hair wash or massage . Very in particular, women with make up and is pretty . You may say there's no need for all that because i'm pretty in your eyes, but hey, some words don't work on me . Jealousy it is .

I am jealous when other women touch you .

It builds up a very strong defense wall against you when it happens, maybe because i'm angry, i don't have any choice to bring it down other than either keeping it to myself or flaring it up to you . Nevertheless, keeping it to myself always make me grumpy and quiet .

I don't wanna share you .

I gave up some of my friends for you, i'm left with very few . So right now, my life is all about you . Everything is you . I'll never wanna leave you . I'll never wanna mess this up .

I want you forever to myself .

See you soon . 14 days more .

Today is the 1st Sept 2010 . Time flies so fast . I hate to admit that i'm actually 20 this year .

Pardon my emotions .

Coz i hit the wrong song on iTunes at this hour, it's 2.03 am now .

Certain songs, certain things, cars, numbers, places just keeps on and never ending reminds me of the months before i turned 18 years old .

How i wish i could just take a walk down the streets now .

I just want a memory loss, one that's good enough to make me forget the past and know that i'm good now with a loving husband and a caring family .

I am happy, and i wanna be happy; purely happy . But it's like reaching out for the stars .

Somebody tell me how .

Today is the 4th August 2010 . Much has been happening around me, but work was keeping me from blogging . Nevertheless, i hadda vent my troubles somewhere .

If you know me well, i don't really have much friends, hence, it's more or less me helping friends rather than friends helping me, but that wasn't what i wanna talk about today .

One of my friend, who got married three months earlier than me, is now waiting for a legal divorce letter from his wife . I can't say who is the victim in this case, but i know, he's feeling worse than his wife, simply because he didn't wanted it . I couldn't think of what to say to comfort him so all i did was listen to the story . Neither could i judge because all i heard was a single side of the story . I know, as a friend, i wanted to help .

I met up with him after a long day at work, listened to his sorrow, seen his puffy eyes, i realized . . . how lucky i am . Though i often remind myself about how others suffer and i don't have to go though what they take, i thought i should learn how to cherish and appreciate instead .

Because knowing is so different from applying .

Many a times we set our eyes on things we want so far, we instantly forget the good things we have in hand, till we lost them .

Anyways, i hope my friend is feeling better .

Today is the 26th July 2010 . Life has been busy, even if it's without the company of my husband . I wonder what's my purpose of making it so busy to the extend whenever i reached home, i shower and fell flat on the bed snoring away .

Perhaps, i miss my husband too much .

Or rather, i want what i dream of - my dream house .

Maybe it's just me making myself stop thinking about the past again .

It's PMS period i know, and i know this is part of my PMS . If only i could have some memory loss, i would be so grateful and happy . Happy times never last .

Today is the 12 July 2010 . Took the day off today so i could study for my test tomorrow, apparently i'm not doing so . I woke up at 2pm, ate a few mouthful of my breakfast and came online to check my mail and stuffs . I saw the school's e-mail for SPDP, wanted to delete it, but i de-selected it and opened it up . I used to sign up one on Horse-back riding, it was so fun and the ponies are the cutest thing ever . This time, i saw one on Salsa Dancing, used to have, but it was within the School itself, so i rejected . The new offered course was gonna be at one established dance school itself .

I really wanted to go for it . In fact, i already went to the school's admin page, clicked on select course button and all i have to do is pay and i'm in . Looking at the date, it clashes with our first anniversary, and it so happened coincidentally, my husband called me . Boom, everything was cancelled, i clicked on the 'X' on the top right hand corner of the page . I guess marriage is after all more important than anything else .

So right now, i'm trying to forget about it .

Yeah .

No i still can't forget about it .

Whatever, i'm going to do other things .

Today is the 4th July 2010 . Days have been back to black and white; work home and sleep are the main activities .

If only i have my own drive, perhaps i'll be much happier, but whatever, cars . . . forget it . Sky called me last night, said his wife's new copen is slow, even though it's turbo charged, 700cc is nevertheless, 700cc . He sold his WRX because he said the salesman lied about cornering at highspeed will be just as good, he tried and he realized he almost flew off . Having left with his lancer to drive, he bought it for servicing . Turned out, a small HID head light change lead to air-con break down and the car couldn't move despite having the engine turned on .

So this man is taking taxi everyday and thinking about changing his car, but the car he wanted was an uncle car; BMW 3 series convertible . It's always fun to talk about cars, even though i know nothing compared to them . But i guess right now he's the only car friend i'm left with .

Shall blog again .

Today is the 2nd July 2010 . Yesterday marks the day that my husband and i got together in a relationship two years back . It was lovely, except we have to be apart on this day . I miss my husband . Oh ~

At work yesterday, a guest i served the other time came back for dinner, looking for me . I knew he was coming because he sent me e-mails on Facebook . So while the rest was mocking at me just 3 minutes after he arrived, insisting to sit indoors so he can talk to me, i felt pretty guilty . He said he was working in Vietnam, then Malaysia and came to Singapore and first thing he did was coming to the restaurant to have dinner .

I explained to him why i left the e-mails un-replied and the instant reaction i received was clear; disappointment and sadness . He was very polite, stood up to shake my hand when he first saw me ( even though he just sat down ), and he practically stop whatever he's doing/eating when i walk near him, smiled at me . He even gave me his name card and said i could look for him or call him if i'm going to Australia or something . I know he's some big shot in a big firm, but the fact is i'm already married, and i love my husband . So no matter how much he wants me, i'm in love with someone else; he's too late to say it in another way .

I just wanna say i really miss my husband very much . It's merely four days that i left Brunei . =(

Alright, i shall get going now . Will blog soon .

Today is the 29th June 2010 . It's a tough day for me, having to put aside my thoughts to concentrate on dry topics at school . I know i have to do it no matter what, only the days of happiness will come sooner as each day pass .

Dear dear had an early night because yesterday was a busy day for him, fast aslept at 8pm . Well, have a nice rest .

As for me, i'm gonna have to turn in and try to knock myself out sleeping because i have work tomorrow . Yeah, landed yesterday, school today, work tomorrow . I already thanked myself for not having a shift after school today . I figured i have to keep on working, working hard to get what i want . =)

I love you, dear dear . Goodnight to all .

Today is the 29th June 2010 . I realized that after i touched back down in Singapore, i have this huge urge to fly back, that i wouldn't mind living in those shabby bunks for long, as long as i can be with my husband .

Yesterday wasn't a good day, and today i realized missing level hit a high 100% . D=

I can't focus well . What do i do ? What should i do ? I'm almost going nuts .

It's gonna be at least two months before we see each other physically again . And i'm losing my elements fast . Perhaps, i need to work more so i could channel my attention to some other stuffs .

But now i know, i really miss you . Your shirt will be filled with my smell soon . =l

Today is the 28th June 2010, i'm sitting right in front of my computer back in Singapore wondering where is my energy, or rather where is my motivation . I'm just so lethargic .

I'm suppose to do my tutorials but i haven't flipped open any notes yet .

What am i supposed to do . . .

I feel like taking a walk out in the streets, like what i used to do . 4am . . . where the roads are all much quieter, cool breeze, peaceful scene down the street .

I don't know what i'll become if one day i lose you .

Today is the 28th June 2010 . It's been almost two months since i last blogged a post . This is a blog post direct from Brunei . . . and i'm flying back to Singapore later today .

Well, maybe this time i've spent more time with my husband as compared to previous visits . Thinking back now, indeed it is, and it makes this flight back to home really reluctant . They all say one year is gonna be fast, but i don't see it . I don't see it at all . It's so slow that i can bearly feel that it's been passing, even though the fact is there's half a year left .

This time, my flight back clashes with some VIP visit, thus making it impossible for my husband to send me to the airport . I can't describe how much i wanted to leave this place for good, i mean, together with my husband . Not that i'm finding it boring, oh well, it is boring .

The food here sucks, even the Mcdonald's taste weird, and the food is almost as much as one you would be paying in Singapore, or maybe cheaper . Infrastructure is only acceptable on highways, single way roads along the household areas are disastrous; dirty, fulla up and downs and some not even made with tar because it's basically just rocks .

But sometimes there's is no choice . When you want things to be better you have to give up some other things . Just like the human hands, when you have candies on both of your hands, you have to give up those candies if you desire a big lollipop that's placed right in front of you .

Those times when i lie in bed finding a way to sleep, i always end up thinking about things that affect me . It happened a lot lately but i'm always back to happy mood with my husband around . Now that it's gonna be a period of lonely life again i'm not sure if i'm gonna be happy always .

Because i know i'll miss my husband so much . Even now, although i'm still in Brunei .

I'm gonna have to blog again when i reach back home in Singapore .

Today is the 25th May 2010 . How fast, June is here in another 6 days . And i shall turn 20 soon . As much as i hate to admit that my age is gonna start with a '2', i'm indeed growing up . I'm canceling my birthday plans for financial savings . I hope it helps . =)

I would really like a nose piercing . It serves as a substitution for the inability to get a tattoo for myself . And Shirley just told me a nose pierce might just help me breathe better . Hahahaha ! I agree ! But it's lame okay babe, the hole will eventually be covered up by a stud . LOL !

Sometimes i can't help but realized how much i'm comparing myself to others, just when i hate others to do it to me . Until the moment when i got my emotions to the lowest, then would i realized, i should count my blessings .

I just want december to come soon, like real soon .

Today is the 21st May 2010 . Was a long day at work, been working for 12 hours . Nonetheless, it was a fun day at work .

Received a table of 6 pax celebrating a birthday . They were funny and very sociable, ordered a lot, and as their server, i thought i ought go an extra mile . Brought out a cake with a lit candle, sang a birthday song for him together with his group of friends . I thank god the glasses didn't broke actually .

His name is Gary, so happy birthday Gary .

Then came a 3 pax, having their dinner before they fly back to the states tomorrow morning at 6am . These guys were even more hilarious . We chat more than i was supposed to, from being 8 years old to illegal mexicans working in the states being called illegal aliens and stuffs like that .

If only i meet such customers every day, sure i'll be looking forward to work .

Right, gotta catch some sleep before i start another hectic day at work .

Right now, i look forward to 3rd June 2010 . 1 week, 5 days .

Today is the 20th May 2010 .

Sometimes i wonder to myself, if the current state of my life is something i want, something i've achieved or just something i have to go through . So many people, well, you could say about 9 out of 10 people who knew me asked me the very same question, 'Why did you get married at such a young age?' .

I laughed and told them why .

Out of the 9 who asked me why, 3 would say i shouldn't had .

And of course a couple of them said i was stupid, was wrong to get married . But they knew nothing .

Up till this very moment, i haven't regretted getting married . But neither have i stop wishing those fun times would come back . Who doesn't want happy times to last or repeat over and over . Not that i want it to repeat, but thinking sure isn't a crime, comparing my current life to those days, thinking back is so a normal thing . One was heaven, true heaven, the other was just normal .

Perhaps this is part of being settling down . That you get screwed for doing the things you shouldn't do, even though it was your dream, that you get screwed for thinking back because it says your current life is not good enough as compared .

A tough step .

You think that when i make mistake i would repent . Why are you thinking this way ?

I'm all mixed up, confused .

Today is the 18th May 2010 . Blogging in school because i'm too bored . Lessons ended early and im standing outside the class of my next class alone .

Got called up by my personal tutor for a one to one chat earlier on . How nice right . Telling me to work hard and i should do tutorials and attend class punctually . As if i purposely left tutorials undone and attended class late. Perhaps i might consider just ending my school life here and work in Black Angus forever .

I'm tired . Redbull should help .

Today is the 18th May 2010 .

If i confessed what i did during my teen days will they faint ? Smoking is nothing . Moreover it's something i do just socially .

Honestly, i don't get it .

Well, consider me stupid then .

I'm tired from work, i'm working my ass off, my legs felt swollen and giddiness finds me as and when .

In the past, when i said i had enough, i always end up taking those shits again . But now, i don't say it often, but when i said it, i mean it . I keep my distance every single time so i won't take on shits again . I said it once in January, up till now i'm still strong .

Blood is thicker than water, this very phrase, is merely a scientific sentence to me .

I shall work more .

Today is the 1st May 2010 . Lots had been on my mind lately, and it repeats like a daily affair . Can't exactly spell it out because i realized there's no point saying . But i'll summarized it all in one sentences each .

1. Till date, it's almost 6 months if i hadn't .

2. I feel much burden now, though it's not entirely mine to bear .

3. I forgone lots, but ended up with facing the reality of no dream house .

4. I have no dream in life anymore .

Utterly disappointed, crushed to face the true reality of not being able to get what i dream for .

Today is the 20th April 2010 . Back in Singapore and had my first day of school today . I would say first day of school without my usual gang was a true surreal blur . Well, maybe you can add in a bit of emotional-because-no-husband in it . Went to the library to borrow the textbook and bought the other . One was heavy, the other was expensive, like a small A5 size textbook that is 6cm thick cost SGD 70 .

Anyways, spent quite a lot today on groceries and necessities . Total expenses today, almost hit SGD 200 .

I realized half the time when i was doing something, i was actually daydreaming on the other half . At least for today . Went to Watson to purchase Sally Hansen nail protect . So once i entered the shop i was looking for Sally Hansen corner and trust me, i went so slow and really was searching . I went rounds to search for it and i couldn't found it . So i gave up and asked the staff . The staff's eyes widen and turn her head towards the area where i first walked in . I looked up, oh yeah, i was literally ''searching with blind eyes'' . The area where i first walked in and searched like a detective and i missed it . How great right .

So then i took the bus home and was seated at the back of the bus . I took out the nail polish from the plastic bag to read the directions . Not a strange thing to do, but the blur part was i put it back into the plastic bag and forgot to hold the other part of the bag handle . Which means to say, after i alighted and walked home, the Watson plastic bag was wide open for people to throw their used tissue in .

Well, i trust i lost some of my normal senses while slacking in Brunei .

Or maybe i just miss my husband too much . I couldn't focus on anything for long . I hope it's temporary .

Sigh . Alright, signing off now . Good day people .

Today is the 30th March 2010 and i'm blogging directly from Brunei . Eating instant noodles from a huge metal CUP while Facebooking and watching movie, apart from my Restaurant City game turned on . Pretty good at multi-tasking huh ?

This is is my third day at Brunei and am staying inside the military camp . Next of kin ( NOK ) bunks are all temporary unavailable at the moment so we're currently staying at the officers block . Much of the rules have to be kept in mind but i guess this is just the way they all get things done in order . Though we have a room to ourselves and an attached washroom, but laundry and stuffs are basically shared and done publicly . If you're thinking doing laundry manually like those olden days whereby aunties flap and smack clothes on the rock by the river, hahaha . . . . no . I mean washing machine and fabric dryer here . Room situation is not as tidy as you think even though we lived here for less then five days .

Yeah, so much so for staying in Brunei, oh, and i see and hear helicopters almost everyday, but that's all i can say, these things as yall know . . . classified .

I could say that this school vacation was pretty much put to a good usage with all the programs and things added in . Work, graduation ball, graduation trip to Hong Kong and right now i'm at Brunei with my lovely husband . Kinda miss out my family in the picture but nah, they'll understand .

I still miss them very much for not being home most of the time . I used to stay at home all day during vacation with the idea of accompanying my mom during the day because no one is home with her . I miss how my younger sister and i spend the nights together talking about the crappiest stuffs in the world . Yes, i'm finally home sick, but i know i have to get used to this once i move out for a new house with my husband . From all of us siblings sleeping in a small room back in the old house, to now sleeping separately, and next lesser people in the house, things and people really do change, and changes pretty fast . It's saddening, but this is the way of life .

Well well, let's move on shall we . . . bought myself a new running shoes at Brunei and it's pretty cheap, together with some sports wear . I'm ready for some run with my husband since he's always running here . =) .

Right now, i'm gonna have to collect laundry from the dryer . Will blog again soon, good day, people . =D